MOVIE REVIEW - Colombiana

Zoe Saldana stars in what may be the most ridiculous movie of the year, Colombiana.

This is the story of a little 8 year old girl who lived in Colombia in 1992. Her parents are heavily involved in illegal drug trafficking, and are then killed right in front of her by the cartel her father was trying to free himself from. She decides right then and there, she wants to be a "killer" when she grows up. Please! And of course, wants to avenge the deaths of her parents.

Flash forward 17 years. She now is all grown up and lives in Chicago after being raised by an uncle, and grandmother. And yes, she now IS a killer that goes on a spree that has no rival. Every move she makes is perfect, and every decision she makes is the right one. She is flawless, and she never fails to pull off every hit without even a scratch. Will she get caught? That's Colombiana.

What is this really? It's an excuse to film Saldana do all kinds of acrobatic things, (or more thank likely some stunt double..sorry) pull off killings in bathing suits, catsuits, tight jeans or very little clothing. There is the obligatory shower scene, and the equally obligatory, "she is a real woman" scene, complete with terrible dancing. She owns every gun known to mankind, and she is without question the worlds worst shot. As she fails in one scene to kill any of the 12 or so drug lords with a propelled grenade and two uzi machine guns a close range. All while driving an armored car she somehow owns.

Plus near the end, she gets into hand to had combat with a 60 year old dude, and can barely hold him off. She almost gets killed by him, after establishing for two hours she is virtually unstoppable. And don't get me started on the scene at the beginning where she at 8 years old, runs through the streets of Colombia in her school uniform while being chased by 10 heavily armed drug cartel hit men. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, crashing off car tops, and so on. No only does she escape, but doesn't get dirty or wrinkled. Oh, until they decide to do this in the following scene where they remembered they should have done this.

This movie is insulting. It's ridiculous, and just plain silly. It just reeks of "I can be an action figure too...you know!" We don't need Colombiana, and the movies are not better for it being here. Saldana, though beautiful and wonderfully photogenic, picks a horrific script and the only challenge put before her was, would she get hurt making this picture.

Colombiana. Laughably bad.