MOVIE REVIEW - Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

I gotta ask.  What are we doing? What on earth are we doing?  Here comes Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters.  This release has been delayed a number of times and you're about to find out why.

The famous children's fable comes to life..sort of in this Rated R blood fest.  They say it's the classic tale with a new twist.  This just shows that some film makers are completely out of any new ideas. So let's do this.  Let's cast two incredibly attractive young actors and put them in tight leather.  Then we'll equip them with really goofy looking weapons, and have them blow up, gut, decapitate and rip apart a bunch of witches on screen. Sound fun?

What the heck is Jeremy Renner (Hansal) thinking?  After starring in the Oscar Winning best picture The Hurt Locker a couple years ago (where he was great) he ends up here.  With stops along the way with the Avengers, shooting arrows and really not having any real part in that movie.   He stars in this with Gemma Arterton (Gretel).   She is an up and coming British actress.   Together on screen this is a very interesting dynamic.  If they are supposed to look like brother and sister, they fail. They certainly look more like lovers than siblings.  The little bit of chemistry they have together looks more like the should be sleeping together than fighting witches.  Like I said, these are attractive people.

The story here doesn't really matter at all. They go around for about 90 minutes and kill witches. There is no real acting in this movie.  It basically is a series of action scenes where they are running through the woods. Some of this looks like a bunch of people playing dress up.   The action sequences are long, tired, unoriginal and tedious. 

Bad writing too. Gretel basically ends up getting the crap beat out of her for much of this movie, while Hansel is off doing what he's doing.   But don't despair.  Gretel does look very good doing it, as there are plenty of very tight leather pants scenes while she's getting thrown around, and stomped on.  And yes, Hansal does end up shirtless in the pond with a naked blonde witch that is trying to be his friend.  A good friend obviously.  And that's what we got.  This is as deep and predictable as we get.

Oh yeah, and to make sure that it's a very cool action children's fairy tale made for adults, Hansal and Gretel say the F-word a lot.   Funny, I don't remember that from the fable. See, that's how you make it a cool movie.  People exploding in bloody heaps, and young men and women saying the
F-word.   Look, no one here is so uptight that this actually bothers us, what it troubling is that this is this is all the have.  That's it. This is bad. - BAD.

Hansal And Gretel. BAD!