Do You Know A Hazel Marie?

Before I start this holiday article, I want to state this is not written with any angst, or with an ungrateful heart. It is simply a look back at a real person and events in my life that all these many years later, I have to look back and laugh upon.

Meet Hazel Marie. She married my mom's father "Doc" before I was born. My mother's mother, Stella, died in the 1950's. Hazel Marie was born in 1908, and this would be her 100th birth year if she was still with us. She was the only "grandmother" I ever knew. She ascended to legendary status in our family for one reason. She was cheap, and gave without question the tackiest Christmas gifts of all time and not by a little.

This went on for years. It wasn't the money either. Doc had been a successful doctor for many years with his own practice.

Hazel Marie was a seemingly nice woman that had to be experienced. But I'll try. For a living she played the harp at funerals. I remember her and Doc loading the 9,000 pound harp in its case in the back of the Mercury station wagon and trucking it off to a funeral where some poor soul was being honored. She also employed a house keeper who lived upstairs at their Lakewood home. Her name was Hattie. Hattie, at that time, was four feet, three inches tall and about 176 years old. Hazel Marie, who was about 110 years her junior, used to watch Hattie do most of the housework, especially on holidays. (Always thought that was a little strange.) So as you can see, Hazel Marie was cut from a different cloth.

Hazel Marie got the gift-giving going one fine year by giving all the women in the family the elegant gift of jewelry. But not just ANY jewelry, oh no. For my mom, my sister, my aunt and younger cousins, she made paper clip necklaces and bracelets - paper clips strung together and covered with contact paper of all colors! All wrapped up in a beautiful box about the size that a sweater would come in. This was the main gift to all. Funny, not being a joke.... we still laugh about it three decades later.

How about crocheted coat hangers? She'd take two or three regular wire hangers, and crochet them together in various college team colors - Ohio State and Baldwin Wallace were prevalent. We were all Buckeye fans, and my mom was teaching at B-W at the time. Funny, every now and again, one of those gems surfaces at my mom's house, and we smile. And giving credit where it's due, they held up and still work today.

Hazel Marie's crowning achievement though came the year all the men, including my dad, uncles, my brother, ME, and Doc got monogrammed jock straps! She made them at her house. Can you imagine sitting around watching TV, and someone's monogramming a jock strap in your presence? Where was Doc? And from what I've been told from extensive family research, the initials were made out of colorful sequins! These have gone down in Wynn Family lore as the gift that keeps on giving. We still howl about it every year!

Hazel Marie also used to dabble in an old craft called copper enameling that never seemed to come out right. We don't remember it as much as the others. I mean, where do you go after the jock straps? That's pretty much the zenith of any gift-giving career!

After hosting morning shows for almost 30 years on radio, I finally told the jock straps story on Friday's show in prime time 6:35 am! My partner Sue Wilson made it possible. I mean you've got to be in studio with someone you're really comfortable with to tell that bit of family history. She didn't know the story ahead of time, and I know she didn't see it coming. And she laughed like few times before. Then she stated with proper perspective, that that is one of those priceless family stories that we all have, that will be told for years to come. And she's right.

Hazel Marie is long passed on. She's now in that tacky craft barn in the sky. She did live a long life and had plenty of money to do it.... so good for her. So maybe she had the last laugh in the end. All because of tacky jock straps! Whodathunkit? Incidentally, none of them were ever worn. Much too fancy.

Truth be told....Sue and I had the last laugh Friday at 6:35am.....or maybe it's just a continuation of a family laugh that has been echoing for 30 years. With honesty, Hazel Marie didn't know that year she was giving us more than just the Cadillac of athletic lingerie; she was giving us a family story that has been enjoyed far longer than even the most durable of jock straps.

So in the end I must say, thanks Hazel Marie, thank you!